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BDSM Etiquette: A guide on how to get started

BDSM Etiquette: I want to try it out, how can I get started?

We received a lot of interest and questions after last week's BDSM article, therefore a deep dive on how to get started today. Before diving into the world of BDSM and getting your hands dirty with some new toys and tricks in the bedroom, it’s important to first have a general understanding of the guidelines. We mentioned earlier to use a “safe word" to use when things get too steamy. Two other important concepts to learn are “pre-care” and “aftercare.”

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“Pre-care” is practised before a scene, where partners communicate how they would like the scene will go and what to expect from each other. This is also a great time to set boundaries and share with your partner what you like, don’t like, or what you’d want to experiment with — and vice versa. For example, if you don’t want them to kiss or touch you in a certain spot, this is the space to communicate those boundaries. This is a great way to ensure everyone is on the same page and can experience something pleasurable together safely and consensually, and avoid any potential miscommunications beforehand rather than too late.

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“Aftercare” is practised after a scene and can involve both physical and emotional aspects. Physical aftercare can be providing your partner with a blanket or something warm after the scene, a cup of water, or just helping to clean up once you all are done. Sometimes aftercare can involve a nice and intimate massage or a shower where you both can relax together. Of course, it can also just be a nice cuddle in bed after all that heavy physical activity.

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Emotional aftercare is when you and your partner(s) discuss how the scene went for everyone, what you liked, what you didn’t like, and what you could do differently (or more of) in future scenes. This is also a great way to check in to make sure that people aren’t leaving the scene with assumptions about how it went. Was your partner silent as you tried something new on them? Maybe they really liked it, but the only way to know is to ask! It’s also important to keep the conversation open and going even days after the scene has ended, just in case there are any negative feelings left lingering to be resolved.

Not everyone is going to want or need both physical and emotional aftercare after a scene, but either way, this is something that should be discussed beforehand so that people know what to expect with each other and what would make them feel comfortable and safe.

What BDSM truly is

In addition to pre-care and aftercare, there’s also various code of behaviors and principles upheld within the BDSM community: Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC). Some people believe in both, others just practice one of them. Let’s get into them:

RACK is a philosophical view that is generally accepting and permissive of sexual behaviors that are considered “risky,” on the precondition that participants are fully aware of the possible risks that could occur during this scene, and to consent to those terms accordingly (consensual kink). RACK was created on the principle that no scene can ever be truly “100% safe", as there is always a risk to everything that we do, no matter how conscientious and careful we may be.

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In contrast, SSC takes a somewhat opposite philosophical approach. As the acronym suggests, it also focuses on ensuring participants are practicing a scene with informed consent but emphasizing “safe” as a critical aspect of play. This philosophy focuses on that everything performed must be what is deemed a “safe activity,” as well as everyone participating is of sound mind to provide clear and “sane” consent in the scene. Regardless of whichever philosophy you practice, what you discuss with your partner should be agreed upon beforehand to ensure their safety and yours.

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IN SUMMARY

While this article only serves to be a brief introduction to the world of BDSM, we hope that it piqued your curiosity, was a titillating read for you (pun intended) and leads you to explore more on your own! For further readings about BDSM, you can refer to the below resources for more tips in the bedroom and how to get started.

Check out our #JustLikeYou interview with Shibari artist Hua Hua

Other BDSM writings:

Other BDSM resources


Writing Sources: everydayhealth, elitedaily.

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