Discipline/Domination is often named in conjunction with "Submission". It means submitting or letting go of your power to someone else. It can involve power play, where one person controls another person in a relationship or during a sex scene together.

Sadism is a term that describes people who derive pleasure or sexual arousal either through inflicting pain or causing humiliation onto others. 

Masochism is similar yet the opposite of sadism — whereas a sadist would derive pleasure by causing humiliation or pain onto others, masochists are those on the receiving end who enjoy the humiliation and pain from their partners.  

What BDSM is not: 

1. BDSM is dangerous and painful

Like any other sexual activity, BDSM can be dangerous or painful, but the primary purpose of engaging in BDSM-related sexual activities is to derive pleasure. Yes, that sometimes can involve pain if that’s what you’re into, but the point is to make your partner and/or yourself feel sexually aroused. There are many ways to do this that don’t require pain — BDSM can be as painless as tickling your partner with a feather!

2. BDSM is without consent and all about power and control

When we think of mainstream BDSM representation, we may see rope and bondage or someone tied up against their will. In reality, these “scenes,” which are kink-related encounters or experiences, are discussed and agreed upon before such acts take place. You may think that BDSM is dangerous because you need to relinquish your control to the dominant partner. Still, the “submissive” partner has the power — everything done to them is for this person’s pleasure and enjoyment.

For example, if the dominant likes choking their partner, but the submissive partner doesn’t like to be choked, then this would be a boundary discussed before the scene starts. That way, both partners have a general idea of what the scene will be like, what to avoid, and what to do to make their partners feel good and, most importantly — safe.

In addition to this, having “safe words,” a code word used that indicates to the partner to stop a scene that’s not the word “stop”, ensures that participants’ needs are being met conscientiously and thoughtfully. For example, instead of saying “stop”, someone could instead say “pineapples” or “potato” — just any word that isn’t common during sex (generally a word that’s not “sexy”). A physical gesture instead of a safe word is another form of accommodating needs if someone has difficulty verbalising their preferences — they could give their partner three squeezes or put a finger up in the air to communicate their discomfort.

All this to say — while power and control are elements of BDSM, in practice, they have their standards of safety and protocol to ensure participants are having a good time.

3. BDSM only involves leather and bondage

As you can already guess, BDSM has way more sexual possibilities beyond leather and bondage. BDSM can use toys such as collars, chokers, whips, paddles, electric wands, restraints, floggers, vibrators, anal plugs, or nipple clamps.

However, if these toys aren’t quite your style, a wide range of other types of gentler toys are out there! You could use blindfolds, massage candles, (tingling) lube, tickle feather wands, corsets or ice cubes in your sexual ventures. BDSM can look different for every couple, but what’s most important about how you practice BDSM is that you and your partner are doing something that you both find enjoyable and pleasurable.

Who says the bedroom is only limited to the vibrator and lube? Use your imagination, and anything can become a sex toy (but please, don’t reach for cucumbers or bananas).

4. Everyone in the BDSM community is polyamorous

While polyamory is certainly practiced amongst those in the BDSM community, like the previous points, this is not going to apply to every single person. There will be people you meet who are monogamous, who only have one partner, and those who are in open relationships and have several partners at any given time. People who are polyamorous will also have different philosophies and guidelines for how they practice this in their lives. Some may have a long-term partner and only have casual sex outside of their relationship, others may have several serious romantic partners at one time.

BDSM and Kink movies to watch

If you’re looking to understand BDSM through media (and not just by watching “50 Shades of Grey”), here are some movies that you can check out. However, keep in mind: while these movies do portray BDSM in a much more accurate way than the aforementioned, note that every representation should be taken with a grain of salt and that this is only a partial glimpse into what practicing BDSM could look like.   

“Secretary” (2000)

This American black comedy romantic drama explores what happens when the dominant lawyer (James Spader) develops a relationship with his submissive secretary (Maggie Gyllenhaal). This movie’s comedic touches help better ease the audience, especially those who are unfamiliar with BDSM, into its world and what it entails.

“The Piano Teacher” (2001)

A French erotic psychological drama, this movie was based on a novel by Elfriede Jelinek, and depicts the story of an, as you could guess, unmarried piano teacher who lives with her mother. Frequently experiencing moments of emotional and sexual frustration and repression, the main character decides to explore a sadomasochistic relationship with one of her students. Both of the main actors, Isabelle Huppert and Benoît Magimel, won Best Actress and Best Actor awards for their role in this film. 

“Intimacy” (2001)