TOC 来信 | 我在凌晨1:30扛着一夜情的男生在客厅走了一圈...

​"The Oh Collective 投稿"是我们和我们社群的分享空间,来看看我们女孩儿这周的故事,也欢迎大家踊跃投稿。 

The Oh Collective Letter is a series to share stories from our communities. This story was submitted and shared by one of our followers. We welcome everyone to submit your own as well!

Tinder 在中国被墙了

但是我有位朋友幸运的在国外就下载过了

Tinder is blocked in China, but that had not stopped me from swiping left and right in my weak and/or curious moments.

从这APP也认识了几位好玩的朋友,有时后无聊寂寞的时候也会来刷刷个存在感

建议:请大家安全的使用网上交友平台)

 From this app, I have collected some good experiences and some bad experiences and sometimes ones for just a quick release (safely though, always).

 

So here’s one of my experiences, you can decide whether it’s good or bad for yourself.

[故事如下]

半夜1:30分了,喝了少许酒睡不着

刷了刷Tinder突然发现刷到了一位前客户

 

It was 1:30 AM and just got home from the club, not quite ready to sleep yet. So I pull out my phone and start swiping 🔥. Suddenly I see a familiar face, someone I had a very distant professional working relationship with, and thought “what the heck” what’s the worst that can happen. SWIPE RIGHT! 

And… It was a match!

我们聊了起来

:你今晚做什么?还醒着吗?

他:还醒着,就在静安附近

:离我家很近,要不要过来?

他:这主意不错,我可以过来

:先告诉你,我现在穿着睡衣…

(第一个thirst trap来了)

 Me: Hello you, what are you doing at this wee hour of the night swiping Tinder.

Him: Still awake and near you it seems.

Me: Within 1KM, that’s very close. Interested in coming over for a cheeky drink?

Him: Sounds like a plan.

Me: A prewarning, I’m already in my PJ’s

(Coming in with the thirst trap)

 20分钟后

叮咚叮咚

我开了门

Him: I’M ON MY WAY 

As I open the door and he peers into what’s waiting for him on the other side

:你不是说你穿着睡衣吗?

:对啊,我穿着睡衣啊

(我的睡衣:一件大件的超旧American Apparel T恤 + 一件跑步短裤)

​Him: I thought you said you were in your PJ’s

Me: Yes, this is it

Little did he know, what I really meant was that I had taken off all of my makeup and “my PJ’s” was actually a 10 year-old acid washed American Apparel v-neck with holes in it, not on purpose, and running shorts – I guess that might have been misleading

:我以为你说你穿着情趣睡衣,蕾丝加雪纺的那种

:不,我就像个男孩儿

Him: I expected you to be wearing silky lingerie

Me: Oh nooooo, I’m like a dude (DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!?!)

Him: 😳  

 

The shock on his face, I’ll never forget – he should have turned around and left then and there

事后学习点 #1:半夜1:30我为什么要当你心目中的那完美的穿情趣内衣蕾丝加雪纺的维多利亚秘密?我没秘密。我就是我自己。Just Do You Girl 

Note To Girls #1: Just Be You. No one is perfectly glammed and wearing sexy lingerie by themselves at 1:30AM but I guess potentially that is the expectation that some men may be looking for. I don’t owe him anything and I’m just doing me! #girlpower

邀请他进我家

:哇,你家很简单吗

我:对啊,要不然呢?

:我还以为你家会有很多鱼缸插画等之类的东西的

:… … … (换个话题好了)

As he comes into my apartment

Him: oh, your apartment is so simple.

Me: ummm, yeah, what were you expecting

Him: I just thought… you would have fish paintings and stuff

Me: … … … 

我换了话题尝试性感点...

We cozy down and learn more about each other

  :你要不要看看我的女性按摩棒系列?

:额,我对这一点兴趣都没有。我觉得没必要用这产品

:为什么没必要?

:我觉得我就足够了

你是不是自尊心太大了点?

:可能吧

Him: So, what hobbies do you have

Me: I’ve recently been very into sexual wellness; do you want to see the sex toys I’ve accumulated?

Him: Um, I’m not so into that. Don’t think there is a need.

Me: How come?

Him: If you need that, then I’m not doing my job right

Me: Don’t you think that’s your ego?

Him: Probably

(awkward silence proceeds… I was thinking in my head, this is really not going well, hurry change the subject)

 

事后学习点 #2:自尊心太大觉得他的马达绝对100%就能满足你的可能要小心点。我不是你妈妈,只是你的一夜情。另外的,不需要因为这个一夜情的幻想而去翻山倒地去满足他的需求,还有,没有人比我更了解我的YIN蒂

Note To Girls #2: He must live in the 10th century to think that way, but actually social norms still have that misconception of using sex toys.  I'm not here to stroke his ego, I'm here to get make myself happy. And seriously, no one knows my clit more than ME.

当时我心想 这真的太不顺利了吧 他可能马上就走了。算了,再换个话题 

:你运动吗?

:有啊,我骑马

:哦!我属马的。我也长得像一匹马。我超长黑发… 我超大屁股… …

:哦… … 我觉得你不像 

​Me: (trying to change the subject) So you workout?

Him: I do! I do equestrian.

Me: Oh, that’s my zodiac. I have a lot of similarities to a horse, long black hair and big booty (DID I JUST SAY THAT I’M LIKE A HORSE OUT LOUD? STFU)

Him: Oh, that’s weird. I don’t think that correlates… So do you workout?

Me: OH YES, I’m super strong!

Him: You are?

Me: LET ME SHOW YOU

 

 

我心想 哦买嘎 都豁出去了 

:我是个运动员,很强壮。

:哦?是吗?

:我秀给你看。

我也没想太多,就起来把他给新娘抱了起来…

Without hesitation, I stood up and pulled him up to bridal carry him like it was our wedding night.

Him: Didn’t seem to hold me up long 

For some reason, I thought it was a challenge, so I naturally stood up for the challenge and fireman carried this adult man who I barely knew in my living room spinning around – to my strength, of course.

While this was occurring in my mind all I could think to myself was, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! BE COOL”. So I put him down.

 Him: Well, if there was a fire, I know you would be able to save me…

 

 

:这会不会太简单了点?

我认为这就是个挑战

然后

我就把他从我的肩上扛了起来,

在我家客厅绕了一圈

再把它放回了沙发上

我突然有点回神

心想

正 常 人 绝 对 不 会 想 睡 我 了 吧

我去了厕所想躲躲

A normal person, probably definitely not want to hook up after this. What a weird chain of events from just one right swipe. 

事后学习点:我当时一直在觉得自己应该性感,应该更加的女人味。但是如果我做的事我说的话就是我,为什么要一直躲躲藏藏的?我就是我。我想新娘抱你就新娘抱你!我就是壮!我就是像匹马!JUST DO YOU GIRL! 

Note to Girls #3: I thought afterwards, maybe I should have tried to be more sexy and femme. But actually, I probably would have done the same with any other guy, I shouldn’t try to be someone I am not. I am who I am. I want to show people my strengths and bridal carry them. I am strong and majestic like a horse. JUST DO YOU. 

Anyways

故事说了这么长

虽然这1小时内的对话和行动很夸张

人,我还是睡了

我,还是我 并没有因为他而改变了我自己

我想告诉The Oh Collective的女孩儿们,你不要因为别人对你的幻想或者是对你的期望而让你改变了你自己。真正喜欢你的人,爱你的人,会因为他爱的是你, 而不是遐想中的你 – 如果你因为别人而改变了自己会让你自己过的很辛苦也不一定开心的。

 所以,女孩儿们,Just Do You.

Anyways,

Long story short, I got what I wanted in the end. 

What I want to share with The Oh Collective ladies and gents, is to never change who you are to meet someone else's expectations. Anyone who is genuinely interested in you, someone who loves you, will love all of the quirky things about you. If you feel you’re changing yourself for the other person, one day, you might lose all of those things that make you who you are and unique. And NEVER feel ashamed about owning your sexual wellness! The more you know yourself the better you can be with your partner as well!

最后的学习点:如果你不是运动员,不要随便扛你的一夜情,不然摔了还要赔。

Last Note to Girls #4: If you are not an “athlete” or in good physical condition, please do not randomly bridal carry, fireman carry or lift at all your partner in any manner. If you fall, we cannot support your legal fees in any case there are repercussions.

 

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