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How to stay focused and avoid distraction during sex

The mood is set and things are heating up between you and your partner. Out of nowhere, your brain decides it's the perfect time to think about that embarrassing thing you wished you hadn't said at a meeting today. And just like that, you're moving your body as your mind wanders off. You try to bring your focus back to the body and your partner but you sort of lost your horniness and your partner can sense that from you. A tiny frown comes and the mood changes. 

We've all been there. In Emily Nagoski's "Come as You Are", she discussed the concept of mental blockers and wandering minds in the context of sexual desire and arousal. She emphasizes that distraction and mental blockers are entirely normal during sexual experiences. She explains that our minds are wired to process a multitude of thoughts and emotions, and it's natural for them to wander, especially during intimate moments. 

She suggests that individuals should not be overly concerned about the occasional distractions during sex. (Note to readers: To be compassionate to yourself when your mind wanders, and to not take it too personally when your partner's mind wanders!) Instead, she encourages readers to adopt a compassionate and understanding attitude towards themselves and their partners. Nagoski emphasizes the importance of communication and mutual support in navigating moments of distraction or mental blocks during sexual encounters. 

Sexual experiences are complex and dynamic, and occasional distractions or mental blockers should not be viewed as abnormal or problematic. Just like going for a run or doing a meditation, every run feels different each day and every meditation is also different depending on what's going on in your life. Sex is the same and also where the art of sex is where each encounter is an entirely new experience. 

Scientific reasons why we can't stay focused during sex?

The science behind why the mind wanders during sex is multifaceted and can vary from person to person. 

  1. Is it evolution? Humans have evolved to be vigilant and alert to potential threats in their environment. This innate instinct can cause the mind to wander even during our most intimate moments. I guess cave men back in the day do have to worry about getting eaten by wolves while having sex. 
  2. Neurological factors of the brain play a role in making us lose focus during sex. The brain is a complex organ with various regions responsible for different functions. During sexual activity, certain areas of the brain associated with attention and arousal are activated. However, other regions involved in higher cognitive functions such as planning, memory, and self-awareness may continue to function to some extent, leading to the possibility of distraction during sex. 
  3. Psychological factors such as stress, anxiety, self-consciousness, depression, past traumas, or relationship issues can significantly impact an individual's ability to stay focused during sex. These concerns may manifest as intrusive thoughts or worries that compete for attention, causing the mind to wander away from the present moment. 
  4. External distractions such as noise, discomfort, or interruptions can also disrupt sexual arousal and cause the mind to wander. Things such as a cluttered bedroom or a sound of a baby's cry can all contribute to potential distraction. 
  5. Monotony or routine of the same sexual activities without variation can lead to boredom or disinterest, increasing the likelihood of the mind wandering during sex. This is why oftentimes novelty and variety are essential for maintaining arousal and focus. 
  6. Physiological factors from hormonal fluctuations, dryness, fatigue, medication side effects or physical discomfort can affect cognitive functioning and contribute to the lack of focus during sex. If you're experiencing dryness at different stages of your cycle or post-menopausal dryness, try out Motion Lotion, a 100% water-based natural lubricant.

Understanding that having distractions is normal and the science of why you might experience distraction can help you and your partner address and manage sexual relationships better. By addressing underlying issues, practicing different techniques and fostering open communication and connection with your partner, you can work towards enhancing sexual experiences and reducing the frequency of wandering minds during intimacy. 

Tips for regaining focused sex

Here are a few tips on regaining focused sex for both you and your partner. 

  • Communicate: If you find yourself drifting off, don't be afraid to vocalize it (saying it) or guide yourself (physically move) or your partner to re-engage. Your partner might feel the same way, and acknowledging it can help you both re-engage.
  • Set the Scene: Create a conducive environment for intimacy by eliminating potential distractions – be it turning off your phone, cleaning your room or dimming the lights. Using products such as massage oil candles are great to get the mood going. Check out Turn Me On massage oil candle.
  • Experiment: Variety and novelty is the spice of life, they say. Keep things exciting by trying new positions, locations, or fantasies to keep both your minds engaged. Experimenting with toys in a relationship is also a great way to stay engaged. Check out Dream Team couple's exploration set with a remote control. 
  • Mindfulness Techniques: Incorporate mindfulness exercises into your daily routine to train your brain to stay present and focused.
  • Practice, Practice, Practice But Have Fun While Practicing: Like any skill, staying focused during sex takes practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Practice with Chi, a clitoral sucker toy that comes with a deck of 24 sexual adventure cards to inspire you during your practice!
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